Your Social Security Number. Some people call it the SSN, some simply the "social." But few see it for what it really is--a window into your past, your future, and your very soul. Assigned to you by the government at conception, your social security number is not simply a random nine-digit number used for insidious tracking purposes. Additionally, it contains information about your personality, family history, and unusual predilections and tendencies, all culled from a detailed study of your genetic makeup and aura. The study is accomplished by a top-secret branch of the CIA code named "Psychic Desert Eagle." You can find them at most high school job fairs.
The key to cracking the SSN code has been a closely guarded secret, due to the obvious military importance of Project Psychic Desert Eagle. How we at the OOW came to be privy to these secrets cannot be shared here without fundamentally compromising national security. Let us just say: never underestimate the power of a nun and her eyepatch. But the source of these secrets is immaterial. The important thing is that we will now bring the key to unlocking this labrynthian riddle to you, our readers, as perhaps the ultimate guide to true self-knowledge and understanding.
The First Three Digits
The first three digits of your social security number represent genetic information stored in thirteen of your fifty-eight chromosomes (the additional chromosomes are inaccessible to Psychic Desert Eagle's methods; as technology advances, expect an additional six digits to be added to the SSN to accomdate this data). The first digit is an "abnormality factor" that measures the extent to which your DNA deviates from the average human genetic profile. A "5" suggests you are extremely close to average; numbers greater or less than five indicate deviations from the average of a magnitude equal to the absolute value of the difference between that number and 5. Values above 5 suggest that your particular mutations are likely to make you more fit for survival, while values below 5 suggest the opposite. 0's and 1's may be severely impaired mentally or physically. 2's through 4's usually get along quite well in life and are known to have good birthing hips. 6's and 7's usually attend small private liberal arts colleges in the Northeast. 8's and 9's are "off the scale" in nearly every respect. Referred to in top-secret Psychic Desert Eagle documents as "Genetic Winners," they are often abducted from their birth parents at a young age and placed in CIA training camps where they learn how aliens abducted JFK without leaving a telltale crop circle. You may never meet an 8 or 9; they are usually given alternate SSN identities that identify them as 3's or 4's. Only they--and project Psychic Desert Eagle--and maybe God--ever know what they truly are.
The second digit of your social security number corresponds to one of three "personality profiles." To find out which is yours, complete this simple exercise. Take the sum of the digits of the binary representation of the second digit of your social security number. The sum should be either 1, 2, or 3. If you are unsure of how to do this, your sum will be 11. Now simply find the type that corresponds that sum.
1: The Poet
Your tousled hair and gentle nature are sure to win over all the sensitive ladies and gents! You enjoy sunsets, red wine, and foreign films. When not contemplating the symphony of love and despair that is our world, you can be found reviewing and editing your inner monologue for future publication on your weblog, which also features some black and white photos you took in the backyard but which are labeled "The Natural Beauty of Acadia." You are, in general, unsuitable for undercover CIA missions except those involving French revolutionaries.
2: The Class Clown
Always the life of the party, your bright smile lights up any room, even the cinderblock prison cells of the repressive foreign countries you always seem to comically end up in! Quick witted and gifted with an unusual ability to laugh at yourself, you are really crying inside and everyone knows it. So you might as well take off the rainbow wig and admit it, okay?
3: The Magic Sheep
When not earning advanced degrees, you can be found silently pondering the number of syllables in the word "baa." Invariably good-looking and even-tempered, you know all the hottest styles even before they arrive in Milan or Livonia. Call it a gift. Whatever it is, it makes you perfect for covert operations in the far Northern climes. With a sherpa by your side and a one-eyed nun at your heels, you look damn good in that pleather trenchcoat. Ooh baby.
11: Unable to Convert Decimal to Binary Numbers
You are a gentle soul with an unusually strong spiritual connection to nature. A nice vacation outdoors--backpacking, campfires, sleeping under the stars--may be just what you need to lift your spirits before Winter hits. Try lipsticks in natural hues like blushing swan and salmon marmalade and earthy fragrances like Pomme de Terre and moss. Don't keep yourself cooped up in a cubicle--embrace the Earth god or goddess that's within you! Oh, and take an electronics class or something, welcome to 1985.
The third digit of your social security number rates, on a scale 0-9, how likely you are overall to try to overthrow the United States Government. 9's had better what their backs. The government's got so many files on you they had to take over a small country for their storage space. (Yeah, rates went up again at the U-Store-It.)The Middle Three Digits
These digits represent sensitive information about your aura, your inner child, and your celebrity dream date. Psychic Desert Eagle prohibits us from saying anything more, especially about the celebrity dream date. But, guess what, ours is Will Smith! No big surprise there! He is so cute. Aren't you just dying to see him in that new movie about the boxer guy? I hear he doesn't have his shirt on for more than 5 minutes of the whole movie! C-I-A hottie?!?The Last Three Digits
The last three numbers represent your cholesterol level. However, the CIA recommends having your cholesterol checked annually by a professional doctor, as the SSN does notdifferentiate between HDL and LDL, also known as "good" and "bad" cholesterol. If in doubt, avoid foods high in saturated fat, like coconut, and opt for cholesterol-lowering foods high in fiber, like beans and oat bran.