A discrepancy has come to my attention while completing the closing inventory for Target Center concessions booth number 2127. It seems that while the hamburger bun count has dropped by 221 buns (where the top, or seeded, half and bottom, or unseeded, half of the bun together are counted as one, not two, buns), the hamburger count has only dropped by 125 buns, which matches the cash register's tabulated 125 hamburger sales. I see only 5 possible explanations. They are, in order of increasing likelihood,
96 buns / event * 300 events/year = 28,000 bunsHowever, given the employees' cunning, the buns are in all likelihood sold at a higher rate. Operating a small grocery specializing in buns, the workers could net
28,000 buns * $0.10/bun (food service rate) = $2,800
28,000 buns * $1.99/ 6 bun pack = $9,286.67If the employees have even a fraction of the keen business acumen I believe they do, however, the buns are currently being sold on eBay at outrageously inflated prices. Using a sophisticated computer bun-image transfer system purchased with their Target Center concessions staff wages, the employees of booth 2127 post doctored images of their buns with false claims such as "Britney Spears licked this bun," "Michael Jackson's hamburger was here!" or "Heroic bun injured while fighting the enemy Afghanistan." This technique would surely pull an average of $50 per bun, for an annual total of
28,000 buns * $50.00/bun = $1,400,000
No matter what the cause of our recent bun loss--and have no doubt that we will discover the cause--I see a multifaceted set of solutions that can be implemented immediately. First, we must inventory buns more frequently. Inventory at the beginning and end of an event is not enough--perhaps hourly, or bi-hourly, inventories will be necessary. Complete background checks of all concession stand employees are also called for, accompanied by regular testing for drugs, alcohol, and venereal disease. I would also like to propose the creation of a Bun Security department, which would dispatch bun security officers to handle bun emergencies and which would also perform random bun spot checks. It is also time to question all of our concession stand workers to identify any and all bun sympathizers in our midst. Furthermore, to squelch the spread of dangerous ideas among the buns, we must separate hamburger buns from the other types of buns mentioned in point no. 5, both in the walk-in freezer and in the fry room.
Now is not the time for complacency. From today forth, we must not let a single, delicious bun go unaccounted for.