Volume 4, Number 5, Page 6

Dear (Insert name of generic advice giver here)

Dear (Insert name of generic advice giver here),
     I am the editor of a small humor newsletter. Let's call it the Official
Unofficial Maine Maine Sheila Bernie Newsletter of Michigan (OUMMSBNOM).
Anyway, the problem is that no one ever writes letters to me or to our advice
columnists. The problem had gotten so bad that we all would write letters to
ourselves. But it got worse! The advice columnists went on strike! I just want
our readers to write to us. What can I do?

                              Disheartened in Detroit

Dear Disheartened,
     I believe there are two main things which motivate people to action: guilt
and threats, not necessarily in that order. However, I recommend going the guilt
route first, as it is not punishable with a prison sentence. Appeal to your readers'
compassion. Explain exactly how you feel when they do not write in a classic
"When you do this, I feel like that" statement. Yours might be "When you do not
write letters to me, I feel unloved and lose my faith in humanity." I am sure that
this will move your readers enough to make them write loving letters. However,
if not, threats must be your next course of action. Threatening pets is one of my
favorite things, and is generally quite effective. Next, you can threaten household
appliances such as the osterizer and toaster. I choose to put the pets and
appliances first on the threat list because both are unable to defend themselves,
and danger to them causes the good-hearted person to take action more quickly
than he will to defend himself or another person able to fend off any attack you
may manage. I wish you luck in your endeavor.

Letters To The Editor As there are no new letters to the Editor, we have a special encore presentation of some of your favorite letters from past issues. Enjoy. Dear Editor, Ha ha ha! I think it's pretty darn funny that you're so desperate for letters that you even have to publish stupid ones like this that have absolutely no point at all! In fact, I don't even have to write real words at all. I could just write blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blih bluh blah blech blah and you would have to publish it. Ha ha! Cruel and Sadistic in Santiago

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