The OUMMCBNOM Guide To Love

We at the OUMMCBNOM know that, in this day and age, it is more difficult than ever to find a significant other who shares one's interests and values. However, we are also aware of one very special community, a community bound not by age, location, or socioeconomic background, but simply by unmatched moral rectitude and an inimitably charming dash of degeneracy: the OUMMCBNOM readership! Therefore, we realized, the OUMMCBNOM can be a powerful tool in the quest to find lifelong love and happiness. We hope that the following provides you with some ideas of how you can harness this power and ride it off into the sunset. Have fun!

Part 1: Meeting your soulmate
While you could confine your search to the already existing OUMMCBNOM readership, it is certain that there are thousands of people out there who subscribe to the values of the OUMMCBNOM even though they have never had the opportunity to set eyes upon the document itself. So, one fine way to meet new people is to introduce them to the OUMMCBNOM and see where it leads. For instance, try these dialogs:

You: Have you ever read the OUMMCBNOM?
Lover-to-be: Why no, I haven't.
You: Well then, why don't you come up to my room and I'll show you my whole collection.

You: Have you ever worn a Ribbon O' The Month?
L-t-b: Why no, I haven't.
You: Well then, why don't you slip out of those clothes and try one on?

Or, for the special girl or guy who is already knowledgeable in the ways of OUMMCBNOM

You: Hey baby, wanna come by some time and ask my Republican?

You: You'd better take me to Big Al's, because baby, you're driving me crazy.

You: Hey sweet thing, how about you be Prudence and I'll be Camilla?

You: Honey, I'd write a letter to your editor any time.

We hope that these ideas help you in your journey toward love. Just remember that every relationship needs constant attention to stay fresh and happy, so don't forget to keep the OUMMCBNOM a part of your life together: read it together, write letters to the editor together, invite the editors to your wedding, and feed them well. Good luck!

Previous | Contents | Next